2005-01-05 - 4:11 p.m.
Because I do my job with such precision and efficiency, I have a significant amount of free time.
Lately I've been rummaging through Diary Land looking to discover new diaries. I have read somewhere that D-land has over 1.5 million diaries.
Holy shit.
How they hell do you sort through them? I've been randomly choosing diaries from the member's area. I've sampled quite a few of them over the past few weeks and have come up with some basic criteria to quickly decide if I should continue to read or not.
And since I've been in a complaining mood lately, I figure I'd continue to indulge this bitch and moan mood as well as insult others, so with out further ado, here's a list of pet peeves that stop me from immediately reading someone's diary: feel free to add your own items:
1) Use of text messaging language. If the author writes sentences like: "Skool suks 4 evr!! LOLOMG" I leave. I have a difficult enough time communicating in standard English. Also, I've learned that diaries written in this text-speak usually end talking about someone's new boyfriend named Chad, and other issues that are important only to a small group of 13 year old girls. Clicky-clicky...I'm gone.
2) Poetry:argh. I am sorry; it's just not my thing. But since I am being an ass. Let me tell you what your friends won't tell you: Your poetry sucks. Sucks. Sucks. Sucks. Honestly, it sucks. Have you ever written poetry in one of your entries? Guess what. Yup. It sucked. Don't hate me for telling you this. You should be thanking me.
You're welcome.
3) Horrible HTML. Ok, we all know I suck at HTML. This page is living proof. I know that. I don't even try to pretend. I wish some others would do give it up as well and just use a crappy, standard template. Who ever told you that a red background and pink font would be cool lied to you. Why the hell did you choose font that is smaller the 8 pt? You know that artsy fartys picture that you have watermarked behind your entry? It blows. I can' read your entry.
Stop what you are doing and go to your own page now. Look at it. Don't get all emotionally attached to it. Just look at. Can you easily read it? If the answer is anything less than Abso-fucking-loutley Change it. Change it now you mother fucker. See how pissed you make me?
4) Your d-land name is something that would get me arrested. For example "13y/ohornyprinces".Or "strippercokewhore" You could be the next Dave Barry, but honey, I don't need my wife, the IT group, or the FBI getting on my case for having such a link on my computer. (Stripper coke whores should use my private e-mail for further clarification and discussion about this).
5) Your diary starts off with "Last night I cut myself again" Get some fucking help. I truly mean that with all sincerity. Please get help. *NOW* and listen to the nice therapist this time, ok?
6) The above goes for the "cry me a river" gang. Yep. Life is pain. Perhaps no one told you, but your time on this planet is limited. Please don't waste every waking moment lamenting why life is so unfair. Oh, guess what? The stuff that you've been doing to cope with it all? Guess what? it obviously hasn't worked, so please try something different. Everyone gets / has problems, but go re-read your diary, if it's year after year, page after page of self loathing, with absolutely no positive content, I suggest you stop writing and go out and live a life worth living. The cathartic qualities of blogging are obviously not helping you.
7) People who make lists in their diary. They are the worst. They suck. They are the biggest fucktards of all.
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