2005-06-06 - 1:58 p.m.
Because we are insane, my lovely wife and I have decided to buy a new hot tub.
Some of you may recall that last Fall, some friends of ours gave us their “used hot tub”.
For those of you not in the “know” the phrase “Used Hot Tub” is actually an official hot tub industry term meaning “Piece of shit that will cost you $500 to have hauled away”.
However, my friends are pretty clever fuckers. Instead of paying someone $500 to haul it to the dump, they came up with a very clever plan of offering the beat up piece of crap to me.
“Here Andy. It’s a gift!” They smiled at me. My friend Sue topped off my drink.
“Oooooooh. Ahhhhhhhh. For me? Thank you, thank you, thank you!” I may or may not have kissed my friend Steve at this point. All I remember was I was getting a hot tub. A Free Hot Tub’.
My wife was suspicious. She’s always suspicious.
“Honey, do you really think this would be a good idea?” She wondered aloud. Her brow furrowed.
Sue gave her more liquor.
Slurring my words, I explained to my wife how (and I quote) “We’d be Stupid not to take it. Absolutely Stupid!”
All I needed to do was come by, disconnect the hot tub, load it onto a truck and haul it away. Simple, huh?
Life Lesson # 965: Sober up before thanking someone for giving you the privilege of hauling away their behemoth pieces of trash. It took me 3 days and over $400 to pick up the hot tub, haul it to my house and connect it up.
I honestly have to say, I did enjoy the tub. It is abso-fucking-loutley great to sit outside in sub zero weather sipping on a cocktail while in the tub. Pure Nirvana.
However, the additional $200 a month on my monthly electrical bill was not so great. It seems my friends forgot to mention that the tub really isn’t rated for outdoor use in the Northeast. Hahaha. Thanks guys!
The skin rash from the inferior, and possibly FDA banned water treatment system wasn’t so cool either.
After thinking about it for a while, my lovely wife and I decided the tub had to go.
So the other night, we did what any clever fuckers would do: We invited some other friends over for dinner. After pouring several Jack Daniels down their throats, telling them what great friends they are, I marched them outside, got em into the tub and after they gushed about how great it was, I made my move.
“You guys are great. Yup. Great. You know what else is great? Hot tubs. Yup, Hot Tubs are great. Really great. You know what? You guys should get one! Yea!”
And my lovely wife, right on cue, chimes in with “Heeeeeey…..here’s a crazy thought: we’ve been thinking on getting a new one. Would you guys like to have this one??!?!!? You’d just need to truck it up to your house….”
God forgive me. It was too easily. They were thanking me all night.
And so the journey of the hot tub from hell continues. My friends will be the 4th owners of this monstrosity. It’s kinda like some suburban mythical monkeys paw. Hahhahhahaha.
Anyhow, my lovely wife has picked out a new, energy efficient hot tub and in the logic that only women can comprehend, she has convinced herself that if we spend $8500.00 on a new hot tub, we’d actually be saving money.
“Honey, “ I offered, “Why don’t we just pay someone to haul it away and save our $$ for something really neat? Like jet skis or a trampoline or a dune buggy….or a lifetime membership on Diaryland?”
Yea, now there’s a deal.
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