2005-04-15 - 2:19 p.m.
Because I am a white, republican, male, suburban home owner, between the ages of 32 and 45, I shop at Sears.
I love Sears. Really, I do. Despite the completely inaccurate and false rumors spreading about my sexuality here in D-land, I am not gay. However, if Mr. Sears were alive today, I would gladly and with great enthusiasim, suck Mr. Sears’ giant throbbing, pulsing cock and happily swallow every delicious, last drop of his glorious, creamy man chowder as if my very life depended upon it. Yea, I love Sears that much.
Ok, that last statement was just a bit over the top. Let’s just say I’m a loyal Sears Customer. If Mr. Sears was still alive, I’d give him a hardy handshake and let him know I enjoy doing business at his stores and appreicate the quality of their fine products and helpful, knowledgeable staff. They’d be absoltutley no sucking of the cocks.
None whatsoever.
Really.
I wrote that simply for effect.
Honest.
However, I’d let my wife do Mr. Sears in a heartbeat.
I like the store that much.
Especially the Craftsman hand tools. They are guaranteed for life. If you have a Craftsman hand tool and it ever breaks, simply take it into any Sears and they swap it out for a new one, no questions asked.
Ladies, buy your husband Craftsman Hand and Stick tools and you’ll have them eating out of your hand.
I have a Craftsman lawn rake, which last fall I ran over it with my lawn mower, which, as you might guess, resulted in my rake ceasing to be a rake, and morphing into a broken stick with some raggedy plastic thingies sticking out the top at bizarre angles.
It looks pretty cool, and for awhile I contemplated keeping it as some weird Halloween decoration. However, in a brief and unusual moment of lucidity and common, sense I decided a functioning, non mangled rake would probably be a better asset than something that remotely looks like Freddy Kruger's hand.
So at lunch time I happily headed off to the local Sears store to replace the mangled stick that used to be my rake.
At the counter I handed the sales clerk my old busted rake and a new replacement rake.
“What’s this?” The sales clerk inquired.
“That’s my rake. It’s broken” I said somewhat proudly.
I don’t know why, but for some bizarre reason, I am always overcome with a strange sense of pride when ever I break something. This is doubly true if I break something through my own sheer stupidity and idiocy.
“Okay.” The clerk said and started to do what ever he does and began the exchange process. Cool beans.
But, because I am an idiot and cant’ keep my fucking mouth shut, I continue to babble on.
“Yup, I ran it over with my tractor. Blamo! The poor rake didn’t stand a chance.” Once again this strange, proud tone overtook my voice. “I wrecked it pretty damn good - backed over it twice.” I stood there proudly admiring the broken remains of the rake.
The clerk stopped punching the register and looked up at me over his eye glasses.
“Sir, you do know we don’t replace tools that were damaged through malicious, vandalism or intentional means, don’t you?” He handed me back my mangled Halloween stick-rake.
I stood there dumbfounded. “But...My rake…It’s broken.” I motioned to the cash register with the broken handle of the rake. Indicating I wanted him to continue to punch in the replacement. “Rake...broken”. My voice began to quiver.
“Sir, you ran it over with your lawn tractor. Twice, according to your own words”. He voice took on a superior, annoyed tone.
And we stood there, staring at each. It was your typical hardware standoff.
Well, It was a Craftsman lawn tractor. ” I announced. I stood there thrusting the rake back at him.
And after long moments the clerk conceded. “Fine” he said somewhat exasperated. He finished typing in the exchange and reluctently handed me my new rake.
Backing out of the Sears parking lot, over the medolic and inteligent pontifications of Rush Limbaugh on my radio, I heard a strange, crunching sound.
"Funny" I thought to myself. "That sound was not compelty unlike that of a new Craftsman rake being run over by a Toyota."
Yup. You know it. I forgot to put it in the back of the truck and ran it over. The handle is cracked.
I fucking amaze myself sometimes. I honestly do.
Since it’s a long weekend for me, maybe I can get over to that other Sears, in the next town over.
Have a great weekend.
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