2004-12-29 - 12:55 p.m.
Since it’s New Years and every one tries to make a list of resolutions, I felt I should too. Being the wonderful, helpful person I am I decided to help others with their resolutions. So here is a list of resolutions, only in reverse. Things I hope others will do in the upcoming year:
- My Parents: Please try to turn down the heat. 85 is too damn high. I get light headed just visting. Also, there is no reason to have the heat on in June.
- My Cats: My shoes are not your private port-a-john. Thank you.
- My Drunken Neighbor: Please do not wander down to my yard when you seem to think a good time is happening. Yes, we are drunk, and naked and celebrating like hedonistic pagans, but it’s a private affair. Trust me, if we need you, we’ll let you know.
- My Uncle in the Nursing Home: Please stop asking me to smuggle in the hunting knife from your old tackle box. And no, you cannot have a lighter.
- My Brother: Please replace the scotch every once and a while.
- My Brother in Law: Please continue to ignore us.
- My Younger Sister: Please stop punching people during a conversation. You have this nasty happy of whacking people in the arm to make a point. It hurts. Stop it.
- My Filthy Rich Uncle: Please stop asking me to steal sugar packets from restaurants for you.
- My Father in Law: Please stop telling me about your sexual escapades with your fat girlfriend. Honest. I don’t want to hear it. If you don’t stop, I will start to tell you some stories of my sexual escapades with your lovely daughter. Take my word for it, I am a pervert.
- My 17 year old Nephew: Please stop using my home computer to download porn. My wife thinks I have a fetish for naked cheerleaders. Wait…I do.
Never mind, please continue to download porn on my computer. You’re a wonderful alibi.
- My wife: Stop mixing your metaphors and making up sayings. Like “I’m bleeding like a stuffed fish.” I think you meant “Stuck Pig” but bleeding like a “Stuffed Fish” is so wrong, it’s actually funny. Explaining this to you just causes an argument, which is not good, espicially when you are bleeding and should be asking for a bandaid.
Happy New Year.
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