2004-12-22 - 10:16 a.m.
A boring Tuesday night….
My lovely wife wasn’t feeling very well last night, so being the fantastic husband that I am, I generously offered to cook dinner.
By “cook” I actually meant “take care of dinner”.
By “take care of dinner” I actually meant going to the Chinese restaurant, slamming down several Mai-tais and getting home with a soggy bag of lo mien before my wife collapses from starvation.
God, I love to cook. I am an excellent cook.
Being able to form coherent statements after a few mai-tais was important and was also on the agenda, but unfortunatley I simply can’t do everything. Some things had to be cut from the list. Get used to it, Sparky.
The Chinese restaurant is great. It’s Christmas every day - mainly because of the rows and rows of tacky Christmas tree lights over the dingy bar that are left up all year long. Some are strategically placed over an old poster of the Coors Light women’s volley ball team. Such a tasteful display never fails to warm my cynical heart.
“Nice decorations.” I exclaim to my favorite bar tender.
“Shut up Mr. Andy. You chicken shit. Have mai-tai." The little, yellow man behind the bar replied with a big smile.
I never understood why he called people “chicken-shit”, but it seems to be a term of endearment that he reserves only for his best customers. I am absolutely convinced that “Chicken shit” is some bizarre, Chinese greeting of great respect.
Funny, despite my insaitable desire for asian women, I actually know very little about thier society. I really should brush up on Mandarin customs one of these days. Mental note: "Research Chinese Chicken Shit"
The mai-tai was in front of me before my ass hit the stool. God I love that man.
“You cooking tonight Mr. Andy?” He asks.
“You know it.”
“You wonderful husband Mr. Andy. Lo mien be out before you finish 3rd mai tai.”
Low and behold, as it has been done countless times before, and shall be forever and ever, just as I finish my last drink, the bartender places my take-out order fresh from the kitchen, gingerly on the bar.
“Get the hell out Mr. Andy. Your wife kick your chicken shit ass if you late.”
It’s great to be a respected member of the community.
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