2004-12-13 - 10:38 a.m.
The holiday season is getting to me.
As Chanukah (which in Hebrew means “get your fucking in-laws outta my house”, for all you godless illiterates) is winding down and the Christmas parties are just ramping up, I’m getting exhausted already. I’m noticing the traditions that make the holiday season so special, seem to be slipping away.
My good friends had their annual Christmas Party at their house, which is always fun.
Traditionally, my lovely wife and I try to “sneak” an ornament onto their tree. One year I put a nice hand blown, glass Star of David ornament up. They liked it quite a bit and a tradition was born.
The next year, feeling all artsy and craftsy and full of the holiday spirit of tradition, I decided to make my own ornaments for their tree. I cut out several of the underwear models from my…um...from my wife’s Fredrick’s of Hollywood catalog. I mounted them on cardboard and fixed a loop of string through them. Viola! A beautiful set of *handmade* Christmas angel ornaments!
Nothing brings out the Christmas spirit better than a slutty underwear model dangeling from your tree. Trust me.
One year I forgot all about the ornament, but thinking quickly, bought a car air freshener from the local Kwiki-Mart. I unsuccessfully tried to convince them it was actually a very high priced, very collectable, limited edition ornament. I even wrote “Christmas 2002” across it with a black sharpie. They moved it to the back of their tree. Bastards. How many ornaments did they have that were dated, AND smelled like sandal wood?
Another artsy fartsy year I strung together cigarettes and made a very nice holiday garland for their tree. Martha Stewart has nothing on me. Again, this didn’t seem to go over to well. “What?” I exclaimed. "Didn’t the baby Jesus smoke?!?"
I happen to know that Santa was the original Marlboro Man.
This year I snuck an Elvis ornament on their tree. They seemed to like it. After all, who doens't like Elvis? And even though I am Jewish, I know it's just not Christmas unless you've got a little bit of Elvis in your house.
I noticed the Fredrick’s of Hollywood ornaments and cigerettette garland were conspicuously missing this year. Huh. Go figure.
I also noticed they didn’t have any presents under the tree this year. Which made me sad. Usually they have all the presents they are going to give to aunts, uncle’s nieces and nephews all wrapped and ready under the tree. In the spirit of “joining in and celebrating with them”, I take a few moments to sign my name to the name tags on the presents. For years, thier relatives thought I was a very generous person.
Not so this year. Sad. Very sad. The traditions that bind us together seem to be slipping away.
We also have the tradition of pulling a practical joke. Last year I switched the plastic “Hot –Cold” caps on their bathroom faucets. My friends didn’t realize they simply snap off and on, and ended up calling a plumber to move the faucets back to their "correct" positions. I never said I had the most intelligent friends.
This year I removed and hid all their toilet seats. Perhaps I was filled with the spirit and joy of the Christmas season, or perhaps it was the 6 Jack Daniels I drank earlier, but removng the toilet seats,at that particuliar time, seemed like a very, very funny idea.
I got a call from my friend’s wife at 3:30 a.m. I have to say, she wasn't in a nice mood. Christ, what the fuck happened to tradition? Between you and I, I think maybe she drinks a bit too much. (Insert drinky-drinky hand motion)
She has no Christmas spirit at all.
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