2004-12-09 - 11:01 a.m.
Last night for Chanukah (pronounced Cha-nookie for all you ignorant pagans) my lovely wife gave me a set of hi-tech ear protectors-ear-muff thingys. I spend a lot of time outside breaking lawn equipment and ruining the yard, and I needed some ear protection. These things are great. They have little microphones built into them and volume controls and will automatically muffle any loud sounds. I spent the night wearing them. I am so cool.
When ever my wife said anything I pretended I couldn’t hear her and shouted back at her “WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY? HUH?” and point like a doofus to the ear muff thingys. I thought it was a riot. But by my lovely wife’s repeated dope slaps to the back of my head, I’m guessing, she – maybe not so much.
I gave her a nice mahogany watch box. Basically it’s a jewelry box designed to hold watches. My wife has a watch fetish. She loved it.
Also my Brother-in-law, AKA The King of Dicks did not show up. Seems he’s having a tiff with his girlfriend and is in a bad mood. So, like the mature 45 year old he is, if he’s mad, everyone should be mad, so he called my wife, started a fight, had her crying and then said mean things so that he didn’t have to come to dinner. What a guy!
I hope for Chanukah tonight, my wife gets me an unregistered, untraceable gun. Grrrr.
Cat Trick.
I had to bring my face biting cat to the vet this morning. I was running late and did not have the time to gently trick her into the cat carrier. Usually I place a trail of cat treats – Wile E. Coyote style- leading into the box, but this morning I was so far behind I had to stuff and cram her into the box like a pile of dirty laundry. She didn’t cooperate at all. Dumb, stupid cat.
Of course, once at the vet, the cat didn’t want to get out of the box. So I had to tip the carrier up side down and try to shake her out. I felt like a magician doing some bizarre cat trick.
“See? There’s a cat in there!”
Then I’d turn the box upside down and shake and pound on it and shake it and pound on it, trying to dislodge the cat, but by some weird magic cat thing, she wouldn't come out. Magic!
I finally yanked the cat hissing and meowing out of the magic crate.
Bleeding and a bit out of breath I turned to the vet and proudly concluded my act with:
“TA-DA.....A Cat!!”
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