2004-11-08 - 10:12 a.m.
Sorry that I haven’t been updating you dear, old, diaryland diary. I missed you, but it’s not my fault. Really. The damn IT team changed everything around and wouldn’t let me access you. Honest. I’m sorry. It will never happen again. Please give me one more chance. I have taken names and I have kicked some ass.
How to fix a stereo with only six beers.
I’ve noticed lately that I really don’t have the patience and passion for things that I used to. For example a few weeks ago my stereo stops working. Phhhzzt. It just stops working. Just like that. One moment it’s Carmen Burana pounding across the back forty, and then the next second: nothing.
WTF?
At first I thought I had pushed some bizarre mute button or something, as all the lights were lighting and all the blinkers were blinking, but no sound. Which sucks. Cause if you’re like me, sound coming out of the stereo is a big plus. Oh sure, the flashy lights and blinky doo-hickeys are all fine and good, but for me, I like my stereo with actual sound.
Anyhow, I fumbled with it for a few minutes. Cursed at it. I whacked the side of the cabinet. Nothing. I decided it was a good time to have a beer.
I came back a while later and pushed some more random buttons,whacked the side of it, cursed and low, and behold…Nothing.
I decided to have another beer.
I remembered when I was younger, in my teens, I lived for stereos. Some kids get into sports, or maybe cars, or perhaps even (combining the two): sports cars. Not me. I spent every extra dollar and free minute of my burger flipping youth screwing around with stereos, tape decks, speakers, equalizers and what not. I would wank off to ideas about building my own pre-amp or mixing board. I’d dream about being a sound man for some band or a radio station sound technician. But now, today, 25 years later, I couldn’t give 2 shits. Where the hell is my music? Why the fuck won’t this work? I just wanted to push the button and have the damn sound come out of those big square thingys.
I stood there staring at the stereo, all my knowledge of simple wiring and hook ups from my youth seemed like a distant dream that I could hardly remember. Just the thought of pulling apart the system and checking connections and tracing wires made my testicles shrivel.
I admitted to myself that my diagnostics skills and passion for music systems have greatly depreciated over the years. On the plus side of things, I had a full fridge of cold ones.
I decided it was in my best interests to have another beer.
Eventually, I found my lovely wife and informed her that I think one of the evil music hating cats broke the stereo and as soon as she got done washing the floors, scrubbing the bathrooms, doing the laundry and rotating my tires, that maybe she could get off her ass and take a look at her damn stereo and find out why it wasn’t working. Hey, I had nice fire going on outside and a frosty beer. It was a crisp autumn day and I wanted some tunes on the outside speakers.
After my lovely wife had finished re-building my transmission, she finally comes over to help with my emergency.
What does she do? She pushed some random buttons. Whacks the side of the cabinet, smells the beer on my breaath and accused me of doing "something" to the stereo.
She eventually settled in on the notion, that yup, something wasn’t right. I tried to sell her on my evil cat theroy, but she wasn’t buying.
Her diagnostic skills had obviously degraded just as much, if not more, than mine.
Being the lovely wife that she is, she grabbed a beer and sat outside with me. We sang a few songs around the fireplace. We eventually realized it would be much better with real songs and enjoyable music coming out of the speakers. We realized we needed professional stereo help.
We bit the bullet. We knew we were beat. Actually, we didn’t give a shit. We wanted music and we didn’t want to screw with it. We did what every rational adult does when face with an “entertainment system issue”.
We called our 16 year old nephew.
My nephew lives for sound systems. I swear the little pervert wanks off to thoughts of surround sound systems, MP3 players and music sharing networks. You'd think a kid his age would be into sports or maybe cars, or perhaps even sports cars. Nope. Music. Weirdo
He attacked the problem with a passion. My wife and I sat outside having another beer as my nephew pulled apart every connection, checked every fuse, and pushed every button. Low and behold…Nothing. After some more fiddling, he claimed the receiver was “blown” (I told you he was a pervert).
Damn it. This was it. It was time for the big guns. I used to live for this stuff. I could wire mikes and amps in my sleep. I could solve this problem. Come on! I asked myself, where did that passionate young stereo loving man that wouldn’t give up go to?
Oh yea, he was having another beer and working on a nice Sunday afternoon buzz by the fireplace with his lovely wife.
I sat there. Dejected and wondering how the hell I could fix my problem. What the hell could it be? Christ man, Think!
And then it came to me. Bam! I knew how to solve this! It was so obvious. Yes, it was true that as a youth I’d memorize the specs for metal oxide recording cassettes and could fix a receiver a-la McGuiver with just a paper clip and a wad of gum. I wasn’t beaten. I could solve this!
I might have lost my youthful passion for fixing and building stereos, but as an adult, I had gained something much more valuable.
A healthy credit rating and a fat paying job.
I pulled out my credit card and sent my nephew to the store with instruction not to return until he had another receiver.
Simple. Case closed. Crack another beer.
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