2004-09-29 - 11:16 a.m.
The Best Halloween Stunt Ever
Halloween is almost here. I really love Halloween, except for one Halloween, about 5 years ago.
My wife and I had been married for, oh, about 2 weeks. We were living in her duplex.
It was a family neighborhood. We would get a ton of kids for halloween.
I thought it would be great to put on one of my rubber Halloween masks, hide in the bushes and leap out, screaming bloody murder at an unsuspecting trick or treater.
This usually resulted in one of 4 distinct reactions:
- The kids running away in sheer terror and panic. This was my desired effect
- The kids looking at me like I was a lame fucktard, grabbing as much candy as possible and then telling me to �Fuck off, old man�. (This was not a desired effect)
- The kids start screaming and crying and pissing their pants. (Also a desired effect)
- Parents of screaming pissed pants children threatening to beat the living snot out of me for being such an obnoxious a-hole. (Defiantly not a desired effect.)
It was going pretty good. For the most part, most of the trick or treaters fell into the screaming/pissing their pants category. The neighbors loved it. They made sure to tell all the trick or treaters to go to our house, as there would be a special �Surprise� for them.
at that moment my Siamese cat snuck out. This was not good. My cat had been raised in an apartment and wasn�t used to being outside. There was a lot of traffic that night. So, I scurried to get my cat before she could get too far.
As I was bringing the cat into the house a large group of trick or treaters came to the door. They had a large dog with them (either that, or it was some short kid in one of the best damn dog costumes I�ve ever fucking seen). My cat panicked and tried to wriggle away from me. I pulled her closer to me so she couldn�t jump away.
The dog/midget in a dog suit started to bark.
The cat hissed and tried to claw me.
I pulled the cat even closer to me as I tried to maneuver between the greedy little goblins on my front porch who were trying to grab as much candy from the bowl as possible.
The cat hissed loudly.
The kids screamed.
Dog-boy barked.
Here�s a handy tip: If you are carrying a cat through a crowd filled with costumed, screaming kids and barking dogs and the cat is trying to tell you to let it go, you probably should.
As the kids screamed and the dog/midget barked, the cat decided to let me know in no uncertain kitty terms that I should better let her go .
The cat bit my face.
The cat latched firmy onto my face. Her upper fangs punctured my nostrils. Her lower teeth sank deep into my lips.
It hurt. I screamed.
I felt the cat�s teeth digging in deeper.
I panicked.
The cat panicked.
I ran around screaming �GET THE FUCKING CAT OFF MY FUCKING FACE!"
The cat would not let go. It stayed clinging to my face like a feline alien.
"AIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!�
I could feel blood start to stream from my face.
I continued to scream.
�FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!! SOMEONE HELP ME!!!!! AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! �
I was lunging around the living room screaming, blood squirting from my face trying to pull the cat off my face.
�AIEEEEEEEEE!�
I was shaking my head back and forth. My arms were flailing about wildly. Blood gushed down my neck. I continued to scream for help. I have no idea where my wife was. I couldn�t see a thing.
�AIEEEEEEEEEEEE!�
By the grace of God, the cat finally released its bite on me. I rushed upstairs to the bathroom to wrap my face in a towel. I saw blood all over my clothes. Blood was splattered across the living room wall. I was breathless and in a boat load of hurt. As I sat there in the bathroom, too afraid to look in the mirror at the damage the cat had done to my face, I heard the kids downstairs, now in the living room laughing gleefully. Cheering. Clapping.
They loved it.
They thought it was a trick! They thought it was a Halloween stunt. They thought it was a damn Halloween prank! The best god damn blood spurting, terrified screaming idoit prank in the history of Halloween. It looked so real! The blood! Did you see all the blood? I bet that's proffesional movie blood!
My wife came upstairs and provided first aid. We debated going to the hospital. I had several puncture wounds to my face. My face was swelling up fast. I laid there in the bed, my face packed in ice and my wife giving me antibiotics and trying to call her dad, the doctor on the phone.
I heard the neighbors outside ringing the bell �Come on! Do it again! Do it Again! Do it Again!�
All night long, kids from all over came to my house to see what they had heard was the best damn Halloween stunt ever. They left disapointed. Sorry kiddies. It was a one time trick.
I spent the next few days in bed. To this day, I have a small scar on one nostril
I never told the neighborhood kids that it wasn�t a trick. I realized I could be remembered as the dumbass who had his face nearly bitten off by his cat, OR I could be remebered as being the coolest, scariest Halloween mo-fo in the city. The damaged was already done. I chose the latter.
Eventually we ended up finding our dream house and we moved out. Every once in a while, I�ll run into someone from the old neighborhood and eventually, sure as shit, they�ll mention the great Halloween cat episode and how their kids still talk about it to this day. I have gone down in the history books as pulling off one of the greatest Halloween stunts ever.
I am a Halloween god.
0 comments so far
