2004-09-24 - 11:54 a.m.
In my previous entry, I mentioned at one time being madly in love with a stunning woman named Lauren. It’s been several years since I’ve last seen her. I’m married now to my lovely wife and things are going great. Without a doubt, everything has turned out far better than I ever had imagined, and for that I thank God everyday. I try not to take things for granted and honestly try to appreciate every blessing I have…
The experience with Lauren heralded in for me a significant change in my life…
It was back in ’92 I was just divorced (a gut wrenching, emotional roller coaster experience even for the “Amiable” divorces). I was 29 yrs old or so, found myself back at my folks house for a few months until the $$ of the divorce actually was freed up. I had also lost my job at a large computer company, I was nearing the end of my grace period, and unless I found another open position inside the company I would be out on the street.
I lucked out. I was able to find another position in the company. It was great. It was my real, first sallaryed, professional position as a junior manager. Something I was told I could never do. But this group gave me my first big break. Despite the $$ problems, and the divorce and all my confusion, it was an exciting time.
At my new job, I met Lauren. She was gorgeous 28 year old GUI engineer. It started out as office flirting and then one night it ended up becoming an official affair.
Since I had married my high school sweetheart, I never really had an “adult affair” or even had much dating experience. I was naïve. I was swept away by Lauren.
Lauren, I felt was my soul mate.Up until then, I had never, ever felt that way about someone. I was so madly, so deeply in love with her. She told me she loved me too. It was mutual.
We ended up gettiing apartments around the block from each other, although I spent 98% of my time living at her place.
At the time I was also involved in a 4 month self improvement program called Life Spring. Which to this day, I still feel this was one of the greatest experiences of my life. It was also by far, one of the most emotionally and physically exhausting things I have ever been through.Life Spring was an in-your-face-hands-on-no-fucking-shit-what-are -you-doing-with-your-life challange. It focused on full accountablility and setting goals and challenges that went far beyond your resonable expectations. It was scary. It was tough. It was great.
So the new job, Lauren, the life changing events with Life Spring. Moving out to Boston, Everything seemed so brand new and exciting. I was doing things I never thought I’d be doing. I had feelings for someone that I never even knew were even possible. Everyday was a great adventure. Everyday brought something new and excitng and was better than the day before. I couldn’t believe it. Talk about getting outside yourself. It was truly electric. There where nights I was so excited I could hardly get to sleep. Worlds that I never imagined were opening up for me. Everytiing was so, so…so fucking great and exciting and new and scary and crazy and fun and sexy and trusting and exciting and amazing and surprising and….
Being with Lauren had me asking questions of myself and honestly answering them. Questions about religion, financial success, even children….
I wrote here in my diary, that I never had any desire to have children.
I knew Lauren wanted them someday and even though I had no desire to be a father, I loved her so much, I honeslty thought long and hard about it (having children was one of the reasons why I had gotten divorced in the first place). I had made an emotiuonal decision, a leap in my heart, that I would do it for her. And you know what? I felt really happy about that. Beacuse I knew it would make her happy.
Lauren and I even had talked briefly about marriage.
I remember meeting her parents and spending the weekend in NYC
I remember staying up all night in bed just laughing our heads off.
I remember that amazing, excited feeling I would always get each time I walked into her house. She had this great foyer with hardwood floors an an oriental carpet that always made me feel warm and happy. Safe and excited. Home.
I remember her dad bringing me bagels in bed at her parents house
I remember Talouse the tin foil eating cat.
I remember one of the most intense sensual kiss I had ever gotten/given. It was outside Rockafeller Center.
Up until the point in my life I had never been so happy.
She broke up with me on Christmas Eve. A few moments before going to visit my parents. Talk about being blindsided. It honestly felt like I was slapped across the face. I felt my breath being sucked out of my lungs. We were sitting in my car, we were talking about how I’d zip down the road to my apartment, grab a few things come back and we’d drive out to my folks.
She interrupted me and told me it was over. Goodbye.
What…?
I was floored..
I was blindsided.
What?
She needed to figure a few things out and she’d call me soon….
I remeber my vision getting very narrow and feeling i was falling.
It was an overwhelming 30 seconds. She got out of the car and walked into her apartment.
What just happened?
B…b…b but….
To this day I never really understood any of it.
I tried to give her space. I still was confused as hell. I never got an explanation. I do remember the last time I spoke to her on the phone. She told me it was never, ever going to work out. That she was just pretending and it was all a game and….
I felt my knees go weak. I literally fell to me knees. I was devastated.
She hung up. It was over.
What the hell happened?
I guess it was all me. I guess I was too naive or ignorant or something….It took a long time for me to get through it. In the following weeks I became a world class dink and did things I regretted for years. I fell into a weird co-dependent funk. Which latter followed a period of serious depression. It took me a very long time to find my peace with it all. As I mentioned when I starting writing this, Lauren heralded in significant changes in my life. For a few short months she brought me some of the best times I had known, and was also the harbinger of a period of extreme confusion, loneliness, loss.
It took me awhile to see things clearly. It wasn’t just Lauren, but it was also the under tow of the divorce I had gone through, the new job, and so many other things all coming together in a very compact point of time for me and exploding all at once.
Insert years of adventure, success, failure, success, failure, loss, confusion ET all here.
I’ll reflect back on those days in later entries.
Today things have changed so much, so many times over.
I finally did find the love of my life and we’ll be celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary in a few weeks. I love my wife with all my heart and ask God to continue to bless us every day.
I look back on all the changes that have occurred and it takes my breath away.
The scary part is I’m not done yet. I’m only 40. Good lord, what will the next 40 years (God willing) bring?
In private times, I used to ask God for specific things…or for "happiness". I’ve learnt now, or rather I have been given a taste of what it is to be fulfilled. I ask God that I be fufilled. I’m not sure what that is. But I have learned it can’t be all fun and safe. It can’t be. A life lived safely is a life not lived. Someone much smarter than me said that in a much, much better way. But I hope you get the point…
When I am finished here in this world, I want to be fulfilled. I want my last words to be “Whew!”
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