2004-09-23 - 4:23 p.m.
I’m feeling a bit off right now.
Something about the fall that always creeps up on me. A spooky, deja-vu, earthy, creep.
I’ve been trying to write things here to give my diary some kind of foundation. I’m not sure what…
I’ve been reading a few of the other diary’s here and some just blow me away.
There’s Uncle Bob who’s a funny fuck (I think he would appreciate being called that. He strives to be a funny fuck and he often succeeds wildy). I think he was mentioned once in FARK and that’s what lead me here….
There’s HRT, who I don’t think is the best writer here…. Damnit...I keep comming in here trying to edit that line. I don't mean it how it probably sounds, he is a decent writer. I guess technicaly he is not the "best", but his end product turns out to be pretty damn good. I hope that came out right...
Ok. I don't know why I am having such a hard time with that line...I asked HRT to check whatI wrote about him and he probably is going "WTF?" and is now furiosly writing HTML code that blocks RicksCafe from ever veiwing his diary again. I am a fucktard (why does that word always crack me up?)
What I mean is, some diaries are very very precisely written. I get a sense of casualness from HRT. A good sense. and also a sense of lack of polish....again, in a good way....Charecture. Thats it! His style has charecture. That's what I've been meaning to say. Someone buy me a fucking thesarus. (and a dictionary too. I know).
He is by far one of my favorite diary's to read. He seems very real to me and to whom someone I can relate to...or at least from this end of the monitor that's how it seems. The net is a funny medium...anyhow, HRT (Actually I think his diary page is chaostraffic.diaryland.com...yea I suck at HTML. ) Anyhow...there is something about his writing that I find very authentic and real. I like him. I’m not sure why. But I do. He strikes me as someone I would really get along with, even though there has been a few times where I’ve left him a few notes and was upset with what he wrote. He’d always answer me. And I don’t know, but in my mind I always felt he knew I was just tryingt to be honest too, however stupid, asinie or misunderstood I may have come across. I feel comfortable reading his entries. And although I really don’t know him, I really like him. I have a lot of respect for someone who can publicly talk about his faith, without preaching or arguing about it. “Authentic” and “quality” are just two words that come to mind when I think of HRT.
There are a few others. There is this one young lady who is out of a job and at home with her toddler. She posted a few pictures of heself, and I find her quite stunning. I read about her situation and I don’t know what to say….I feel for her. I also want to give her a kick in the ass because I see a lot of things that I think she should be doing/changing/etc…but who am I?
I just read some entries from another woman’s diary and it engulfed me. She’s an artist and has some problems with bi-polar disorder. She came from a fairly well off family and has now found herself across the country, alone and broke. She reminds me of an old friend ….Janet.
It makes me want to write about my first wife and the divorce,
Or being out alone for the first time.
Or being madly in love with Lauren and how that crashed around me and for the first time in my life I felt so very lost.I've never felt that lost and alone in my entire life. IT borught me to my knees.
I wish I could capture the feelings I experienced the fist time I was out living in Boston.
And later finding myself so alone and poor.
I could write about the times I had to go to a food bank.
And being so broke. I know what that is like.
And then having life change on a dime for safe and secure
to exciting and new
to poor and lonely
to wild and out of control. I am amazed I survived those few years.
to finding some peace again and building some success
and having it all crash down again….
swallowing my pride.
And then seeing it all come back together again.
But for how long?
Damnit. I’m just trying to find my stride.
Does anyone else know what “Choose 4” means?
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